lately i've had a reoccurring dream where ninjas throw ultimate frisbee discs at me. as well as a reoccuring zombie dream that usually ends with me and the other survivors playing cards in a room with a zombie cat locked either in the cupboard or the refridgerator, and with a half door with half a zombie waving it's arms out that we throw shit at every now and again.

i just got out of one hell of a 13 hour shift. it wasn't hte longest shift i worked, but i closed yesterday, and i open, and work a double tomarrow. yuck.

around mothers day i usually get upset, for obvious reasons for those of you who know my mother. (or know of her). I finally told my dad that when i go to UofM i'm going to get an apartment with my friend Anancy, so that she can get out of Saginaw, and so i don't have to live in the dorms. i trust her, she has paid for her own apartment since she was sixteen, and i wouldn't take such a risk with just anyone...

the reason my father is angry, is because once again, he hates it when i have a friend for more than a year and a half that i talk to and hang out with and hold quite so close as i have Anancy. "I thought we talked about how you don't need to be dragged down by these people" these people being any friend who i see on a consistant basis for more than three months. it's taken him this long to complain about anancy because i almost never see her, but we've been able to hang out at least once a week since i started to live in saginaw. Anyone reading this has been complained about, Meagan, Zack, Logan, Jordan, Any of the SASA group, Nisha, Noel, etc. each one of you has been called "those people" who will cause me to choose staying in midland over my dreams of becoming a lighting designer...

what bullshit.

i should be allowed to have close friends. I don't know what in his long and tormented past (and i do admit he had it hard) caused him to think that if i have close friends and keep them i won't succeed in life. Yes, i trust anancy and she has been my go to girl for a while now, i only met her three years ago. Three. she's one of the closest friends i've ever had. the person i've been friends with the longest was Steve, but we weren't close, hell, he forgot about me for about five years of it. (still love ya) Going to UofM and taking Anancy with me won't make me not go to class. it won't make me not meet people. in the program i'm going into that is NOT POSSIBLE. you are forced to meet people. AND i want to be in the band.

It just made me sad that i'm going to have to defend her against him, when he doesn't even have a problem with her. in fact, he loves her as a person. he just doesn't like it when i stick with one close friend for too long.

I just hope i can get everything together, money wise and otherwise so that i can go in the fall.

I do so want to call my mother and explain to her that despite what she used to tell me, i did make it into a good college, and that no matter what she does, I won't ever need her. If she wants me to talk to her, she's going to need to prove to ME that it's worth it. and i'm not selfish at this point for making her do so. i'm not selfish for wanting someone to tell me that i'm worth something, and i'm not selfish for succeeding where she failed.

happy mothers day, i wish i had one.